Rejecting the Status Quo
The majority of my life has been spent in a survival mode. I had been keeping myself alive though I never truly progressed into anything meaningful. False beliefs had led me to a state of stagnation, self-sabotage, and general fear. I struggled with feelings of unworthiness. I had a consistent pressure to perform, to prove my value to others. Of course, the performance was rarely worth it. Many times, it was likely off-putting and counterproductive. There was an inward hatred and dismissal of myself, something the outside world did not see, feel, nor believe. I was trapped within Self desperate to break out of it.
When recalling the one out-of-body experience and a few psychedelic experiences I had in my late teenage years, there is a recurring theme of being trapped. In my out-of-body experience, I was able to walk around in my childhood home. There was an aura of blue-green surrounding my vision and there was a taint of decay in the house itself. I was able to observe my parents and see them in a state of death-like decay. The environment was rotting and I was stuck there. Upon returning to my body, I remember feeling like a spherical ball shape than the normal human shape. It was a very interesting experience to say the least. In a trip of mine using psilocybin, I was able to journey into my mind, following a pathway of the physical brain. I found that my Self was trapped in the area where the pineal gland can be found. I was trapped there, unable to break free.
In my adulthood, I have been very confused by the world and how I fit into it. I don’t know what it is I am supposed to do. This may be a common trait of people who experience childhood neglect and abuse. I have very much been a wanderer. I have floated from job to job in various fields. At this point, in my late 30’s, employment has become difficult. My resume is so scattered that employers don’t know what box to place me in. I have been in multiple interviews with hiring managers who liked what they saw on paper, but I could tell from the conversation they really had no idea how to place me in their company. I am an ambitious generalist with a high aptitude. Companies seem to want an unambitious specialist content with mediocrity.
At this point, I have come to believe that it is in my best interest to start a business of my own using the skillset and aptitude for learning I have. I have been sitting on the idea of starting a bookkeeping business for 7 years now. I lacked the belief in myself to start. I have been seeking external permission and approval from people who could likely care less about my goal and progress. I have come to find that people are quite neutral and generally self-interested and self-seeking. If I choose to believe in myself and offer solutions to others, providing a service for them to satisfy whatever self-seeking goal they have, I will become interesting to them.
That said, I am at the place where schooling, degrees, and other external distractions are no longer interesting to me. I am ready to break the status quo and do something different. I am interested in living my own life, for me, rather than living my life for people who were never given the opportunity to know who I am. “Playing it safe” was a harmful approach to living I am choosing to break free of.