Reflections of an Outlander
I was at the gym this morning and reflecting on my social life. I haven't allowed myself to be. I have played pretend, wore masks, peacocked, and used other methods of deception to manage social interactions and relationships. It has been really nice to talk with Dru (funny enough, he texted me about loosh harvesting while I was typing this post). He is able to understand a lot of the weird shit I talk about and he has his own weird shit he likes. He is a fan of fantasy novels and inspired me to read the Book of the New Sun series by Gene Wolfe. I requested a copy of the first omnibus from the local library in both physical and digital format. Every copy available in the local library systems has been checked out.
I would like to find more friends like this. People who I can talk to about things that aren't work, business, or some kind of superficial "how's the weather" type of dialogue. I have been looking into local literary and art events going on at the Bexley library. I missed a music event Tuesday due to having agreed to meet with my mentor on that day. It was good to keep my commitment to him, but I also learned the importance of looking for events ahead of time and planning for them.
A lot of pressure I put on myself is unnecessary. I believe what I experience is what other people call anxiety. I never considered that to be what I was feeling. I have a frequent need to get away, to escape, to do something other than what I am doing. While it may not be at the level of a full on disorder, I do think I need to reexamine the phenomenon and how I interact with it. I would like to live a more peaceful life.
This morning I woke up and was pretty stressed out. I was late going to bed last night, late waking up in the morning, late making food, and it was all terribly stressful. Most days aren't like this, but when my day begins like this, I have a hard time resetting. I noticed a huge relief once I left my job. That took a ton of stress off of me. I was so fed up with the general lack of professionalism. The reinforcement I had from Dru and Marie didn't help. They both seem to have the same frustrations as I do, they just handle them in a different way.
I am a fire sign: a Leo. I am passionate, courageous, and performative. I like to prove a point and do it publicly. Sometimes I respond prematurely, but also I have a strong intuition that is usually rooted in the truth of a situation.
Ultimately, I have placed myself in my current situation and I have to be the one to change it. No one is going to come save me. I am essentially on my own and it is up to me to find and build a party of companions. I need to actively seek out quests so I can grow and create a reputation in this new and foreign land. Being an adventuring outlander is an identity I have become.