On Loneliness
Today I have made the decision to be different.
Yesterday, I went out and attempted to be social. It was more depressing than enjoyable. The only real fun part was riding my bike. At both the Hops on High event and the movies, I couldn't help but notice all of the couples there together, the awkward interactions when asking for a single ticket or popcorn, nor the general feeling of loneliness I experienced. I had no friends to go with and no girlfriend to be with. Ultimately, the events were very empty experiences. At least the movie itself was enjoyable. Also, I couldn't shake the feeling of being ugly. It is apparent that I am unattractive because of how avoidant women are of me. I have only had a small window of mild attractiveness in my life and I didn't make the best use of it. What that window provided me was insight into what I am missing out on and the reality of my current invisibility.
While I have been making quick progress in my weight loss, I am still obese and blob-like. I have a long way to go before I can be seen in society. Until then, I will have to embrace being a ghost.
I have been reflecting on the sighing done by the woman in the meeting yesterday while I was sharing, the mocking while I was reading, and the general disrespect I have received from people. No matter how much copium I take, I can't truly hide the reality that I have been weak my entire life. No one respects weak. No one wants to associate with weak. No one is attracted to weak.
Brittany took advantage of it immediately. I was used for my access to resources from my family, housing for her, and my caretaking behaviours. Of course, I was being cucked the whole time and she was fucking a ton of other people while I thought I was in a monogamous relationship with her. Even when I became aware of being literally cucked by her, becoming a victim of paternity fraud, I didn't stick up for myself. I lacked self-worth and self-respect, plagued by people-pleasing and agreeableness. Allison did something similar. She was not attracted to me, later dating me because of my persistence. We really only started dating and became sexual after she discovered having contracted herpes from the guy she was fucking before I would come over. I was, again, used for my access to resources and bribed with sex. After she got her needs met, she began scouting out attractive men, sleeping with her coworker the day after I left the relationship. Loni was significantly older than me and more experienced, making some attempts to push me toward strength. But, I never took the leap. She was more interested in molding me into something than accepting me for who I was.
I have repeated the pattern of being "nice," agreeable, non-confrontational, harmony-seeking. This type of behaviour has left me resentful, suicidal, hopeless, alone, humiliated, and ashamed. Nothing will change unless I do. I will need to become very honest. Not in some low-boundary, oversharing, bitch-made kind of way, but in being the aggressor I know myself to be. My mother clipped my balls when I was young and my development has been retarded since then. Being around my aunt in my 20's didn't help either. It is better to be honest, abrasive, and disliked than overlooked and stepped on.
I don't like the people I have been spending time with. I don't like my housing situation. I don't like being broke. I don't like being fat. I don't like being in AA. I only participate in AA because I have to as a condition of my housing agreement. I have 3 weeks left of mandatory participation and attendance at meetings. I have little interest in hanging around with cultists and their weak, shallow, passive approaches to living "spiritually." It feeds into my own pattern of weakness.
I have been saying I want to write more, but I have difficulty getting into the mood when at home. At home, I tend to binge YouTube or play videogames. I don't take the time to read or write anything of substance unless I leave the house. When I go to the coffee shop after the gym, I am able to get a lot of writing done and feel more creative. It has been a good practice. I am sure the fact that I have just worked out helps as well.
Being fed up with dissatisfaction, I am going all in on myself. I have been going to the gym regularly and am getting results. I have dropped a shirt size and two pant sizes. I will have the money to form my LLC later this week. Once formed, I am going to focus my attention and time on building my bookkeeping business. I don't need to worry about anything else. I am someone who is destined for greatness, held back because I have been seeking permission and approval from others. From this day forward, I am a conquerer, a warrior, a fighter. I am taking instead of asking.