A Rant on Stagnation
A rant note. Uploaded on September 29, 2026
There is a reason why I am behind. I never allowed myself life. My therapy has been somewhat helpful for me to learn about myself. I like that I receive affirmations from Rachel. I feel like I rarely, if ever, receive any affirmations. It feels like I am constantly in conflict with people. If I want to say much of anything I get resistance. I am kind of over it.
The largest problem, I believe, is that I have the right conversations with the wrong people. I am not having the right company. I am in the wrong places for me. The places are fine in themselves and don't need to be changed. I am the issue, in that, I am an alien pretending to be a sheep. I am never going to fit in. I need to be with other aliens and I should be hanging out in space. Others are not connected in the ways I believe them to be. They are connected in that they are similar to themselves, different from me. This makes things challenging. But, also, I am armed with many tools that allow me to destroy any competition.
People are often angry with me. I did not understand why at first, but I was able to figure it out with the help of Rachel. I am a threat to them. I am intimidating to them. I am someone who is different, as stated, but I am also someone who is extremely powerful. I am going to need to learn how to properly harness and weild this power. The East Asian cultures often talk of power in an interesting way. It is different than popular Western views of power, though similar to the ancient European ideas of power such as vril. The concept of chi/ki.
Many anime I would watch as a child incorporated the idea of chi/ki. Sure, directly in Dragonball, but more subtly in Yu Yu Hakusho. I like the use of Yuske Urameshi and his ancient connection to the old gods/demons. Whatever the reason for his amplification is mildly interesting but I like that he has any kind of spirit power/energy at all. The same with a regular human such as Kuwabara. It is real. We have this power/energy. It is around us. People speak of auras. These exist, yes. But they are different and both radiate from a person.
The powerful person can be felt. The powerful person is someone who has a field around them others can sense. It is a feeling that makes the weak uneasy. They become afraid of power because they lack it. Those others with power are able to recognize it as something familiar. The weak person is far more dangerous than a kinsman in power. I need to remember this: I a wolf playing with sheep. I was unaware I was a wolf. Today, I am aware.
My fellow wolves aren't expected to be welcoming to me. I am alone the same as I was before. There is no savior. There is no true help. There is only me and the systems I create around myself to survive. I am the creator of my own world. I am the one who decides what happens. I am the one responsible for the outcomes. I am the holder, creator, and protector of my own success. Thinking of Jiang Xueqin this morning and his talk about ancient Chinese kingdoms and the rising of the Qin dynasty, the competent general is to be killed because he is a direct threat to the emperor. People like my father are people who are not threatening to the corporate power structure. Such idiots are useful. This kind of character can be seen in Berserk! as well in Adon Coborlwitz (funny name). He is a general, but a coward and a moron with a false sense of superiority. I am a threatening character to be respected and feared equally to my peers.